The Accidental Expectant Father
Posted by Damian Papworth | Posted in Pregnancy & Baby Info | Posted on 13-05-2012
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I can remember very clearly the evening we found out we were going to have our first baby, it is something that will be with me forever. It was a moment of shared bliss which unexpectedly brought my partner and I closer together as a couple, and sent us on a new journey of discovery and joint purpose. This is the way the event unfolded for us.
We live away from the family and friends we grew up with, moving to Australia’s Gold Coast a few years back. Yes, we opted for a sea change. One of the great things about living here though is the constant stream of family and friends which come and stay with us, on extended visits. We love it.
At the start of 2008, we had my parents staying with us for a week. It was during this week we started to think we may have a little, unplanned bundle of joy on the way. For better or worse, we waited till mum and dad had left before we got that test.
So Mum and Dad left, we bought a pregnancy test, my wife went into the bathroom. She followed all the instructions and then, amusingly, fled the scene. All courage had departed, she couldn’t look at the results. I found her in the lounge with her head buried under a pillow.
So off I went into the bathroom to check the results. Lo and behold, it came back positive. After taking a moment to absorb the fact, I composed myself and went back into the lounge as straight faced as I could. I tried to draw out the announcement as long as I could, toying with her growing impatience, finally relenting with a humble “Sweetheart, we are going to be parents”.
All of a sudden, her confidence returned and she bolted into the bathroom to check the results herself. She couldn’t believe it. It really was an amazing few moments. A complete roller-coaster. Which in retrospect was a pretty good introduction to pregnancy generally.
The rest of the night was simply wonderful. We spent at least an hour in the bathroom looking at the little stick, staring at each other in amazement, murmuring quietly “we are going to be parents”, “you are going to be a mum”, “you are going to be a dad” and the like. Despite the tumultuous beginning, it turned into an evening of softness, joy and intimacy. An experience that never would have been the same if it was shared with others. An experience in which we grew together as a couple, as a family.
I’m glad our first evening was so special. Pretty quickly I realized out that I needed to work to protect these special moments as they popped up. As we started telling our family and friends, I realized that the world is packed with well meaning people, who want to make these moments their own. Further, as I was only the father, I seemed to be expendable in their eyes.
One of my wife’s friends even went so far as to interfere with the decision of who would be in our delivery room. She didn’t discuss her thoughts with us. No, what she did was call my wife’s sister and told her directly that we wanted her to be in the delivery room with us. I’m not sure if I am being naive in believing she had good intentions when doing this, (although, I have no idea what they may have been) however the point is to show you just how inappropriate some women get when “helping” with another families first pregnancy.
Second guessing the advice we received from our doctors was another big issue. When these women had their babies, they did it differently. So the information our doctors were giving us must have been incorrect, these well meaning women knew “much better”.
The pregnancy of your first child really is a roller-coaster ride. You have such immense highs, indescribable moments you share with your partner. Moments you can hardly understand yet will never forget. For the first time you are bringing a new life into the world.
These can really be tempered though by the pressures other people put on you. You may feel like you are constantly defending yourself from expectations and opinions that you just shouldn’t have to deal with. It can be frustrating, it can cause issues between you and your partner at the very time you should be working together.
In talking to many other new fathers in my circle of friends, it seems as men, this is an issues we all have to face. The “well meaning woman” pops up everywhere, typically is the wife’s best friend, or mother, sometimes it can be your own mother. Its always someone who has already had children though, and someone who “knows better”.
Is there a well meaning woman causing issues in you family at the moment? The one thing I found when it happened to me was it was time for me to grow up. For the first time, I had to stand tall and protect my family. When these types of situation arise, there are two things you need to protect your family from.
Firstly, you need to protect your right to trust the medical information your health professionals are giving you. You need to make people aware that within your family, opinions on medical matters are off limits to them.
Secondly we found that we were second guessing the decisions we had mad as a couple because of all the naysayers telling us they’d do it differently. We gradually learned that that probably the most important things a couple can bring to their pregnancy and the birth of their children, are their own instincts. Other mothers’ instincts and ideas were great for their pregnancies and births, but every single one is unique. And there are only two people who know what is best for your unique pregnancy and that is you and your partner. No-one else’s opinion is appropriate. You need to protect your family from other people’s opinions undermining the trust you have in your own instincts and those of your spouse.
So, as a father to be, if you find yourself confronted by the “Well Meaning Woman”, you are certainly not the first, and will not be the last. Good luck with it and remember, even though these people will make you feel like you know less, 99% of the time your insticts will be spot on.
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